i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
