What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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