i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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