The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
