Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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