Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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