i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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