so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
