There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
