He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
