I just saw a hot homeless man
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
