Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
