ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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