I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
