So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
