Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
