i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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