If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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