Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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