I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
