I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
