Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
