maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
