I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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