I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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