I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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