I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
