OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I can tuck mytits in my pants
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
