How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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