i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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