My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Houston, we have a blender
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
