Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
