i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
