Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
