there's paper in my vomit.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
