if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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