I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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