all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
