Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
