Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
