i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
