smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
