Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
