I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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