He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
