If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
