I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
