My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
