so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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