while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
