Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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