I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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