we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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