wat bout pragnant strippers??
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
me + whiskey = a bad person
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
