woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
